Praising The Nurse.

I dreamed I was some kind of special nurse. Crowds of people kept following me outside making repeated remarks about how I was a nurse. They kept wanting to get close to me. Everyone likes a bit of acknowledgement but this was too much.
They kept praising me as if I was something really special and had did some great work, but in my heart I knew I was just a human being and didn't deserve the excessive praise. I was not comfortable with hoards of people holding me so high.

Unloved Females and Native Americans.

Most of my adult life I have felt like God doesn't seem to love females as much. I look at how during ancient Biblical times females were treated as if they did not matter. Kings would have tons of female sex slaves known as concubines. I've heard male teachers excuse this practice as "just the way it was back then" excuses. But just because a certain practice has become the norm does not make it an excusesable practice! Wrong is wrong no matter the time frame and cultrure.

But it was not God being cruel to the females it was humans doing it all. We still see the abuse of females today especially in the Middle East and Asia. Still sex slavery exist except for now it is under ground and no longer an allowable thing legally.

I've seen churches misunderstand the Bible and twist Bible verses and use that as an excuse to not use females for anything other then cleaning the church toilets and working in the nursery. What they have done is a shame and they have missed out on many blessings because of it.

Tonight, once again, I was telling God how I feel that He does not love me and other females as much as men even though my spirit knows He does. But still I sometimes feel unloved as a female. My feelings and spirit often conflict each other. But never the less an emotion is an emotion and can still be strong and moving.

This year I have learned to ask God to talk to me via visual means because that is how I can better understand. So I did that again tonight after telling Him of the hurt I feel over females being abused so much with in many churches and around the world. I told Him I was not feeling so loved by Him since I was a female.

Suddenly in my minds eye I saw myself as a Native American female (thus is my ancestry) standing there wrapped in the historical and typical buck skin wrap for warmth and protection. Sadness was on my face. I was alone in the darkness.

Then He came to me. I saw Him as a colorless being, transparent. He was behind me and reached His arms around me to hold  and comfort me. This made me happy and I got a smile as I held onto my wrap and stretched out my arms making it look as if I was stretching my wings.

I then began to dance Native American style as the Lord danced with me. It was good. He was dancing with me happily and I with Him. I have tears in my eyes as I type this because it touches me. For centuries people portraying Christians harmed and abused the Native Americans thus making most modern natives not wanting anything to do with Jesus. But Jesus Himself loves the natives and does not want them to be abused.

The Lord was happily pow wow dancing with me in my Native regalia and it was all good :)



The Christian Native American  music artists known as Broken Walls touches me. Here is a link to a few of their youtube songs and so some other links:

My favorite sounding one 1st:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YRj0WMTF6Y
And
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HpG4yRtsRk
And
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VF7VvoM9Vwo

http://www.indianlife.org/index.php
and
http://www.newspaper.indianlife.org/

A friends demented evil father harrassing me and my loving dad called to rescue me.

Last night I did not sleep well due to a health issue waking me up off and on all night long. During the few hours that I did actually sleep well I had a disturbing dream.

I was with an old school friend in what was supposed to be her bedroom in a 2 or 3 story house in the upstairs out in the country that was on the same land/property the house was that I lived in for the 1st 7 years of my life. The outside of the house had lots of piles of junk, old cars, etc.. I saw the placement of her bed and various things in her room. Her and I was hiding in there from her dad. The dad in the dream did not look or sound like her real dad.

The room was like our protection, but he found me in her room though and began harassing me yelling at me, threatening me telling the vile things he wanted to do to me and tried to handle me and I fought back. He was saying that he was saving me for later to molest me. I looked at my friend and she was acting as if this was normal behavior for her dad and was going through her top dresser drawer as if he wasn't actually yelling and threatening.

I continued to fight back. Her mother (who also did not look like her real mother) came into the room after the dad left and went about the room doing housework and talking about how her husband was just like that and that is how it is. She was nervously flitting about the room doing stuff and talking fast. I knew she was not going to try and protect me because she was too beat down after years of being in a marriage to an abusive controlling awful man.

By this point we were trapped up in that room. I kept trying to use a phone to call my dad to come save me.  I had to fiddle with the land line phone cord to make the phone work well enough to make a call. Finally I got to a phone after much difficulty and got it to work after having to call home over and over.

I finally got out of the house and was on the highway facing home. On both sides of the highway were tall cornfields. A patch of tall healthy looking dark green corn was growing in the highway. I hid in it and watched for my dad waiting for him to hurry and get there. I just knew that he was gonna be my savior and get me away from my friends horrid dad. My friend didn't seem to want to escape, to her the abuse was a normal thing I guess. I felt such good and safe feelings about my dad and how much I loved him and how everything was gonna be alright once he got there to take me home to safety.

At some point in the dream the house transformed into a church type place and in place of the friends bedroom became a larger room with bench seats where church services were held. It seemed like all the church goers were fat and female. Mostly female anyways.

The church goers kept reassuring me that I was not in error.

During church services me and all the other ladies were wearing the exact same outfits but mine was ripped up and too immodest for my taste which made me uncomfortable and I tried leaving the service to find something else to cover up with. I was then in my friends bedroom looking for some kind of clothing when her dad shows up yelling again.

Queen of Harts.

After being in the house all day weak from a health issue I decided to go outside this evening to read my Bible and pray and get some fresh air.

I prayed something like "God what do you want show me?"

When I closed my eyes I suddenly saw playing cards (like a deck of cards) forming a hart and suddenly in the middle of the heart the Queen-of-harts card appeared.

I don't know for sure what it means but it was comforting. :)

Soooo Confused

All my life I knew I was different and God has been revealing things to me slowly along the way so that when I finally meet up with someone who knows about weirdo's like me their words are confirmed. I say weirdo's in a joking manner :)

I tend to doubt a lot. A doubting Thomas. I don't want to go against God. I pray often saying "Lord don't let me say or do it if it is not right"

I hear differing options from various people many of which are educated intelligent people not some strange off the wall far out there nuts. The more I hear the more confused I am. The less I hear the more I doubt. A catch 22 I guess.

A few times this summer I have had what I call sensory overload where there was so many visuals I had to just try and stop them by focusing on something else. Are those from God? Are they from my imagination? Are they from the enemy? I really need an anointed Christian godly seer to take council with. I am NOT saying I am a seer but some of the gifting is similar to that of a seer which is why I think  Godly (only a godly one) seer could help me. Don't get the word seer mixed up with soothsaying and witchcraft by the way. If you know your Bible prophets then you know which ones were seers.

My new pastor and friend has been of great help as have been the people in my new church. God has used them to confirm many things and to help propel me into using my gifting more and in better ways for Him. Now I am in need a Christian with the seer gifting from God. Like an older person who has lived it for years and used it for God for decades. Where to find such a person? I dunno. Some are online like Jonathan Welton and I have listened to his youtube stuff and am currently reading his excellent book. I still have questions and concerns. New things are happening. Why did the western church lose its believe in the spiritual gifts?

Even though my human longings and curiosity is wanting a godly human seer to help me I know in my heart that God is my main trainer. Only He is 100% correct. If no one were to ever cross my path to teach me God would and does.

I have chosen to step out in faith by doing this blog even though It is not under my real name. Right now I don't want to deal with the persecution from both believers and non due to my so called weird gifting of dreams/visions/mental pictures.

I guess I often need confirmation to know I am not doing witchcraft in any way.

This confusion comes and goes. I pray. I go on.

The things I see. The things I sometimes hear. The things I dream. The things I feel. Where does it all come from? Sometimes that is the question that plagues me due to my fear of going against the Lord. I just cant knowingly allow my spirit to go against Jesus.

Are the people in my life who are teaching me about the spiritual gifts correct? Are they anointed to do so? Is it a cult? Am I falling for a bunch of garbage? Am I helping others? Am I a burden? Am I a hindrance to someone? What am I doing correct? What am I doing wrong?
I know it is not an occult but you can understand some of my very conflicting emotions and thought processes.

I wonder often what good do these visuals do? I pray for the person. When I tell the visual to someone does it help them? I don't wanna harm anyone. I don't wanna say "God showed me that...." unless I know for 100% that it was from God. Ho do I know 100% that is was from God?
So then I claim up and live in fear of going against God. Then I start saying things and worry that I am not doing something right and going against God by speaking. I also fear I might be sinning if I don't speak and share the visuals.

What to do?

I need clarity.

I need to feel that clarity and not just know it in my head. I need to feel God's assurance.

Oh Lord help me know the answers for I am confused so much of the time. Lord help me to not go against You and to not tell a visual to others if it is not meant to be told. Help me to know what visuals are from You, from me and from demonic forces.

Sometimes I am rather clear in my thinking and know while other times I am not. I do believe there must be a serious spiritual war waging around me at times trying to prevent me from knowing my full potential in the Lord. I think all we Christians must have issues with that. The enemy doesn't want for us to have full knowledge of our gifting so that we cant use it for Jesus.

Thankfully Jesus is the Winner and via the Power of Jesus I will win!

Jesus is the Lord God and came in the flesh and died for our sins and arose from death paying the price so that we did not have to. But Jesus does not force Himself onto others, we must choose Him of our own free will. I have chosen Him.

I saw her death while others waited around planning for it.

Last night I had a very disturbing dream about a relative. This relative is in her 40s and one of those all around nice gentle ladies who loves her children, the Lord and her husband. She is a Christian and I have no doubt about that.

But in the dream she was sometimes her modern self and sometimes a younger version of herself. It went back and forth. She was living in a small apartment above some kind of trashy bar that had something to do with topless waitresses or nude dancing or something I don't know for sure but whenever people in the dream spoke of where she lived they referred to the bar as a place where "boobs" were showed.

She owned or had something to do with some kind of flower shop or whatever which she ran out of her apartment.

In the dream part of the time I was amongst  a few of my often seen summer time peers mixed in with strangers and scattered others. Also in the dream often was a man, who is in my age range, I grew up being friends with and was close to.

In real life the 2 peopl in the dream live states apart from each other and as far as I know have nothing in common or any mutual friends, etc.

In the dream I knew she was about to die in a terrible apartment fire and die the worse way which is burning to death but the others in her apartment (just her kids I think-the husband did not seem to be in the dream) were to make it out alive. In the dream I kept mourning and grieving as I went along in the dream doing whatever it is we all kept doing. Sometimes in the dream others seemed to also know that she was about to die in the fire as some people were preparing for it. But most people did not know. Those of us who knew would always be asking each other things like "did it happen yet?" and other details.

I don't know why those of us who knew it was gonna happen did not try and prevent it. We just seemed to accept that it was gonna happen and that's that. In the dream I kept looking for and wanting that childhood male friend to try and come rescue her or at least to be around to help with the funeral arrangements after it was gonna happen. Her children escaped the fire some how. In the dream the point was often made how her death was as a result of burning to death. It was always night time in the dream. Never could sunshine be seen.

Me and the few others who knew it was gonna happen kept asking about it wondering if it happened yet as we waited around. We talked about her, her life, the upcoming funeral and how sad this all was. Despite the over whelming sadness many others were standing around outside in groups  joking as if nothing bad was about to happen and even after her death they did this even though they claimed to know her and love her. I kept wanting and asking for the childhood male friend to come fix all the funeral arrangements for her and to just plain make things better.

The childhood male friend kept coming into the dream at various points.
-the end of the dream----------

Normally Id think that perhaps she is not saved and is in danger of dying and going to hell all while others around her just ignore that fact and don't try and tell her how to go to Heaven. But that is not the case with this dream. I have no idea at this point why those 2 seemingly unrelated people both of who I rarely ever see or talk to anymore would have such key rolls in the dream.

All I know to do is pray for them.

Touching The Object and Seeing A Glimpse Of Their Suffering.

Often I have said that I wish we had the ability to touch an old object and be able to see what all it as saw throughout its lifetime.

This summer I had the opportunity to tour a historical landscape where a lot of death occurred due to warring.

I prayed asking for some mental picture as to some of the things that happened there so I could better understand it all.

I touched the rocks and boulders on the historical landscape that was still there centuries ago.

I saw some mental pictures and quick flashes of some of the horrid heart wrenching things that happened there due to the warring.

I saw how after the battle the living tried to gather up the badly decaying dead humans. When someone grabbed the hands of a dead solder and began pulling their body off the battlefiel their top off broke off from their lower half due to advanced decay.

A young soldier boy was hiding between 2 boulders that had another bolder over top of it as if it were a roof. He saw his friends being slaughtered and had blood on him from a friend who died. He shook with fear and looked about worried with wide eyes. One of the soldiers on the enemy's side approached the boy's hiding spot and saw his fear and youthfulness of about ages 12-14 maybe. The "enemy" had compassion on the boy and told him to stay put and quiet and to act dead for his own protection.

The place emitted a since of dread, sadness and even a still quietness that felt heavy to people or at least some people as I could see from their faces.

Those are the ones that stick with me in my memory. I cant remember the other ones right now.

War ruins lives and just plain sucks!