All my life I knew I was different and God has been revealing things to me slowly along the way so that when I finally meet up with someone who knows about weirdo's like me their words are confirmed. I say weirdo's in a joking manner :)
I tend to doubt a lot. A doubting Thomas. I don't want to go against God. I pray often saying "Lord don't let me say or do it if it is not right"
I hear differing options from various people many of which are educated intelligent people not some strange off the wall far out there nuts. The more I hear the more confused I am. The less I hear the more I doubt. A catch 22 I guess.
A few times this summer I have had what I call sensory overload where there was so many visuals I had to just try and stop them by focusing on something else. Are those from God? Are they from my imagination? Are they from the enemy? I really need an anointed Christian godly seer to take council with. I am NOT saying I am a seer but some of the gifting is similar to that of a seer which is why I think Godly (only a godly one) seer could help me. Don't get the word seer mixed up with soothsaying and witchcraft by the way. If you know your Bible prophets then you know which ones were seers.
My new pastor and friend has been of great help as have been the people in my new church. God has used them to confirm many things and to help propel me into using my gifting more and in better ways for Him. Now I am in need a Christian with the seer gifting from God. Like an older person who has lived it for years and used it for God for decades. Where to find such a person? I dunno. Some are online like Jonathan Welton and I have listened to his youtube stuff and am currently reading his excellent book. I still have questions and concerns. New things are happening. Why did the western church lose its believe in the spiritual gifts?
Even though my human longings and curiosity is wanting a godly human seer to help me I know in my heart that God is my main trainer. Only He is 100% correct. If no one were to ever cross my path to teach me God would and does.
I have chosen to step out in faith by doing this blog even though It is not under my real name. Right now I don't want to deal with the persecution from both believers and non due to my so called weird gifting of dreams/visions/mental pictures.
I guess I often need confirmation to know I am not doing witchcraft in any way.
This confusion comes and goes. I pray. I go on.
The things I see. The things I sometimes hear. The things I dream. The things I feel. Where does it all come from? Sometimes that is the question that plagues me due to my fear of going against the Lord. I just cant knowingly allow my spirit to go against Jesus.
Are the people in my life who are teaching me about the spiritual gifts correct? Are they anointed to do so? Is it a cult? Am I falling for a bunch of garbage? Am I helping others? Am I a burden? Am I a hindrance to someone? What am I doing correct? What am I doing wrong?
I know it is not an occult but you can understand some of my very conflicting emotions and thought processes.
I wonder often what good do these visuals do? I pray for the person. When I tell the visual to someone does it help them? I don't wanna harm anyone. I don't wanna say "God showed me that...." unless I know for 100% that it was from God. Ho do I know 100% that is was from God?
So then I claim up and live in fear of going against God. Then I start saying things and worry that I am not doing something right and going against God by speaking. I also fear I might be sinning if I don't speak and share the visuals.
What to do?
I need clarity.
I need to feel that clarity and not just know it in my head. I need to feel God's assurance.
Oh Lord help me know the answers for I am confused so much of the time. Lord help me to not go against You and to not tell a visual to others if it is not meant to be told. Help me to know what visuals are from You, from me and from demonic forces.
Sometimes I am rather clear in my thinking and know while other times I am not. I do believe there must be a serious spiritual war waging around me at times trying to prevent me from knowing my full potential in the Lord. I think all we Christians must have issues with that. The enemy doesn't want for us to have full knowledge of our gifting so that we cant use it for Jesus.
Thankfully Jesus is the Winner and via the Power of Jesus I will win!
Jesus is the Lord God and came in the flesh and died for our sins and arose from death paying the price so that we did not have to. But Jesus does not force Himself onto others, we must choose Him of our own free will. I have chosen Him.
