I am currently reading a book by a man named Jonathan Welton called "The School Of The Seers".
At the end of each chapter is what is called an activation. The best way I know how to explain is that an activation is a practice tool to do in order to learn how it all works.
I finished the chapter last night where the activation said to ponder on and think of how God loves us. I mean true love like He has for everyone. But it was real late at night and when I closed my eyes to think on God's love I fell asleep. So this morning I remembered and began pondering on it.
Immediately without delay the mental picture (some call it a vision) was there. It was of me. Raining only on me was a golden colored rain with a sparkly glistening in it coming directly down on me, but I was bending over with an area of darkness that stayed directly on my back. I was bent down the entire time trying to look back and up at the golden rain. I kept moving around trying to make the dark thing come off my back and get out of the way, but it stayed on me strongly refusing to get off..
The interpretation:
The beautiful golden sparkly rain was God's love pouring down on me.
The dark thing on my back was anything from a demonic presence to emotional/mental issues preventing me from feeling the full impact of God's love.
Me bending over, moving around as I was bent over and me looking back and up at the rain was me trying to shake the darkness off of me, and me trying to look past the in-the-way annoying darkness on my back so I could see and feel a better view of God's love. I wanted to get that darkness off of me so the rain would wash over me absorbing into my skin and washing me clean. Yes I have Jesus in my heart and He is my Great Savior that has forgiven all my past, present and future sins. But I cant seem to feel the Love.
What might that dark presence on my back represent? I dont know for sure.
I know some of it is probably from my inability to fully feel love for unknown reasons. When someone acts like or says they like me and enjoys my presence I normally assume they are just saying that to be nice, but if they really knew me they would no longer like me because I'm so annoying and boring. Me feeling like I am annoying was backed up by an older type A personality woman who directly told me I am annoying and others don't like being around me a few years ago. Her words have stuck with me and gone deep into my soul even though I have forgiven her. I have forgiven but cant forget :(
Another reason why I cant feel God's love is probably from the legalism I was raised with. I have good parents who love the Lord. I have many good memories of my child hood so I'm not complaining. But as with all things on this earth amidst the good will be the bad too. I was raised with religious legalism that left me with feelings of shame and guilt like it does for most folks.
I could not be good enough. I could not sing or play music. I was not good at sports and memorizing tons of Bible verses. I just seemed useless in the church. And I just could not behave perfect enough. I was never good enough. Whenever I or other people were being talked about for their sins and mistakes the sinners and myself were talked about as terrible shameful people who are basically useless. Emotional and mental abuse is what it is.
Don't get me wrong my parents did not abuse me. My dad was not legalistic, but my mom was. She comes from a family where it isn't uncommon to hear conversations where others were considered to be shameful. Yes her family is a good family but they had their issues like every other family.
I'm glad to say that these days in my mom's elderly years she has been breaking free of religious legalism and shame based thought processes. She has come a long way and I am so glad for her. My dad is also a great person whom I am close with.
Now, how do I feel God's love fully?My head knowledge says "yes God loves me", but my emotions/feelings don't feel it.
Over the past several years I've prayed that any generational curses on me be broke off of me. I've grown spiritually and keep growing. I still sin yes but I've been doing much better as the conviction comes over me to not do such and such sin. I read my Bible and ask for forgiveness of my transgressions almost daily. But still I don't feel it? How to feel it?
I know it but cant fully feel His Love. There are times where I have felt it for a very short time, I want to feel that Love all the time.
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